Do you want to save your marriage from divorce? What causes marriage disintegration? These questions and more are answered in this article. Firstly, every marriage is unique. That’s the reason marriage disintegration varies from one couple to the other. A broken marriage may be the lowest point of your life.
Besides, what could be worse than feeling everything you worked so hard to build slip between your fingers?However, do not despair! It’s possible to get your broken relationship back on the right track. Identify the signs that lead to divorce today and stop your relationship from crumbling down.
Here are 50 Things that Will Save Your Marriage from Divorce :
Pay Attention to Your Spouse
The basic step to stop a divorce is to recognize the unmet needs of your spouse. If you have ultimately stopped paying attention to the needs of your spouse, go back to the drawing board. Much as you may be feeling wronged, recognize you have shortcomings too.
Take the concerns positively. Most of all, do not have misgivings to make amends on your end. Giving the right amount of attention is key. Too little attention will lead to dissatisfaction while too much will come off as possessive.
Do not play the victim
When you first learn of your spouse’s intent to divorce, fight the urge to play the victim. Self-pity is a complete turn-off. Do not under any circumstances guilt trip your partner. You will probably get him/her to stay, however, they will not be entirely happy in the marriage.
Do not seek sympathy from anyone who cares to listen how unfair your partner has been to you.Instead, radiate an air of positivity, laugh more with your spouse, and genuinely show your affection.“Latter-Day Divorce and Beyond” by Jennifer James recommends that playing the victim is not an option.
Learn the art of gratitude! Let your partner know in blatant ways that you appreciate the effort he/she is doing in your relationship. Be quick to appreciate the sacrifice your spouse is making. As a result, it will demonstrate that you can see their investment in your marriage.
The appreciation must be heartfelt and not an act else your partner will mistrust your intentions.Want to know how to appreciate your spouse? Borrow ideas from “How God Can Save Your Marriage in 40 Days,” written by Alex A. Lluch.
Furthermore, even the scripture says “Giving thanks always for all things…” in Ephesians 5:20. This damage control might just save your shaky marriage from crumbling down.
Emotional instability is some of the major reasons for divorce. Pride, arrogance, and selfishness tear up the foundation of marriage. Learn to control your reaction to issues that arise in your relationship.
Do not harass your partner emotionally or physically. It can create long-term emotional damage. It is about time you gave your partner priority to save your marriage.
Sex tops the list of to-do lists in marriage. Not as a routine or a ‘let’s get this over and done with’ activity. For men, sex is a natural urge. Sex is much more than the physical act. It makes them feel great to make love to their wives. It gives your husband more solace when you genuinely desire him even years into the marriage.
In their book, “I Don’t Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage,” Dr. David Clarke and William G. Clark give tips on sex after marriage.Do not make your man feel unwanted. After all, even the Bible says that your desire shall be for your husband. Furthermore, it is an amazing feeling as a woman to be pleasurable to your husband!
Be Adventurous between the Sheets
You will be together with your spouse for a long time. Naturally, men hunger after variety in the bedroom. As a wife, be open-minded about sexual desires, your husband may have. As a husband, ask your wife to perform the sexual acts you desire before considering stepping out as an option. Just keep your marriage hot in exciting ways.
Look your best
If you become too absorbed to your career, kids or other duties, you’ll lose yourself somewhere along the path. Keep tabs on your personal growth. Acquire that new skill you have been ogling. Learn a new language. Just don’t stay stagnant. Grow, and you will feel your marriage grow with you.
Do not allow yourself to fall under the category of nagging wives. As a husband, if your wife is nagging, correct her in a good way. Pay attention to how you communicate with one another in your marriage.
More so, communicate meritoriously. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.Michele Weiner Davis in the book “The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage” agrees that nagging kills affection.
Be His Girlfriend/Her Boyfriend
Do you recall the dating and courtship days? Do you remember how flawless you were, keeping it sexy? Yes, be enticing. Make your spouse feel desired just as you did in the beginning of your relationship. Nothing speaks valued in marriage than keeping your behavior at your best. Sneak back to the era you were fabulous.
Consider the Effects of Divorce
Divorce leaves a big mess in its wake! Consider the psychological, physical or emotional damage it causes the parties involved. In addition, children sometimes get caught in the drama. They may grow feeling insecure and with low esteem.
Think about the time that will be wasted on divorce lawyers. How about the financial dent a divorce will create? All factors held constant, why don’t you be the bigger person and take the initiative to save your marriage. Enid Muragira says it so clearly in her book in “Divorce is Self-Defeat”.
Time to Shake off those Rigid Expectations
It is the high time you cut your spouse some slack! The fantasy world presented in movies and in novels is that just, a fantasy. The real world is a completely different case altogether. Most noteworthy, unattainable expectations propagate heartache which in turn instigates a divorce.
Your marriage is heading south, what do you do next? Do not panic, you will only make the patch-up process too intense for your spouse to endure. The idea here is not to take the matter lightly, not at all.
Conversely, divorce is a serious issue and should be taken as so. However, you should relax and come up with ways to make your time more interesting. Spontaneity will bring back the excitement. Furthermore, your spouse will see you at your best. You have every reason to be playful, spirited and silly!
There is no shortcut here. Spending time together as a couple is a recipe for a blissful marriage. Reconnect with your spouse by spending more time with him/her.
Reintroduce dating nights, vacations and activities that will encourage spending more time together.Correct yourself if you find it more pleasurable spending time with your family and friends as opposed to your partner.
Clean up Old Hurts
Avoid picking on your partner and keeping tabs on how many times you have mentioned the deal breakers in your relationship. Dissatisfaction and arguments are brought about by judging the actions of your spouse.
The worst mistake you can make in a marriage is to look for perfection in your spouse. First of all, understand that your partner has flaws. Tolerate them. Most of all, do not point them out every chance you get.
Commit to your marriage
Commitment to your marriage is the one factor that will make you stay when you least want. Commitment lays the foundation for your relationship. It is an all-season relationship. In good times and in bad times.
You should make a firm choice to stay committed to your marriage through the ups and the downs.Make your partner know in words and in actions that you are committed to your marriage going forward.
Contentment will make you comfortable with the state of your marriage. You will handle problems in your marriage with levity. As a result, you will be dealing with a spouse who feels unloved and abandoned. Instead make it a priority to take care of yourself, your spouse and your marriage.
List down all the mistakes your partner has pointed out in you. All those times your spouse criticized your actions, made negative comments, they were probably communicating their dissatisfaction.
Next, address these mistakes. Plan to fix all the things that made it to this list. Harriet Lern tips in her book “The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships” will guide you.
Compromise is giving away your pride/ego. To rebuild your relationship back into the healthy marriage it once was, learn to compromise. Compromise is not all about finding a neutral ground, sometimes you will need to go out of your way until you reach a consensus.
Learn skills for having a good marriage
Acquiring skills that you need to save your marriage could be a blessing in disguise. Learn how to communicate, compromise, maintain positivity and control anger. Include the skills learned in your everyday interactions with your spouse.
Fellas!It’s time for personal introspection. Playback to all the moments your partner was unhappy, disappointed or dissatisfied. If you look hard enough, their dissatisfaction with you will unfold. Vow to improve and be a better partner. Joel Kotin talks more on this topic in “How to Change Your Spouse and Save Your Marriage.”
Intimacy can be divided into sexual and emotional intimacy. Bring down the personality walls and let your spouse see the real you. It will involve deep trust to be vulnerable to your partner. You will be letting your partner into a deep side of your life. Intimacy will glue your relationship together.
Put in Effort
Resolute to put in an effort to make your marriage better every day. To save your marriage, focus on spicing up your marriage.Do not shy off from asking your spouse if you do not know what areas you should put more effort into marriage.
Believe in yourself
The only person you can control in the world is yourself. Control your attitude, actions, and reactions. The right attitude will help you move from a phase of facing divorce back to a good marriage.
Maintain a high morale. Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Use the power of mantras if you have to and as often as you need to. Do not stop until your self-confidence is strong to rely on your thoughts.
Do not Assume the Little Things
In a crumbling marriage, don’t wait for big opportunities to present themselves to show your partner you care about them.It’s the little things chip away at your relationship. Help around the house, offer comfort when he/she is emotionally down and so on. Such actions will bring the spark your marriage had lost back.
When you have so much free time to pass around, you will be bothered by the imperfections of your spouse. Conversely, when you are busy, you will try and fit in the shoes of your spouse. You will understand the sacrifice he/she is making to get things done.It will help you understand that your spouse might be failing in some areas, but they are definitely trying.
Forgive Your Spouse
Your partner has his/her share of your marriage failing, so what? For how long will you shift the blame? Forgive your spouse. Jesus said we should forgive seventy multiplied seven times in a day. This does not mean you keep count, it means you forgive that person countless times. And for all sins committed against you. It will be the only way you can move forward and work your issues together.
Divorce is one of the most excruciating decisions in one’s life. Therefore, if your spouse has brought up the topic of divorce, they have reasonable doubts about your marriage.You might feel as if your spouse has pulled out the rug from under your feet.
Prior to this decision, your spouse probably had prolonged periods of sadness that you did not notice. The right step is not to feel victimized or angry, but resolve to work on the things that precipitated the divorce.
In their book, “We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other,” Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman will give you a deeper understanding.
After you learn of your spouse’s intent to divorce, a gamut of reactions will run through your head. These reactions will range from anger, fear, hysterics etc. In addition, you will feel sad. You might even feel guilty of your behavior towards your spouse. Most noteworthy is, to be honest with yourself. The best reaction is to do an assessment of your marriage and take the right steps to mend it.
Have you been so self-indulged that you have forgotten to respect and honor your spouse? Remind yourself that your spouse was selfless enough to give up their freedom and marry you. You have probably been too busy to notice that your spouse has given up so many personal options for the sake of family responsibilities.
Recap all those moments that he/she has put up with your imperfections for the sake of your marriage. Erin J. Stanley discusses the subject of saving your marriage by respecting your partner in “Save Your Marriage System: The Secret to Stop Divorce and Make Your Spouse Want You Back.”
It is not a Competition
Arguing, exchanging bitter words, trying to score points at the expense of the feelings of your spouse does not work. If you find yourself doing this, you are skating on thin ice. Resolve the issues is in a gentle way.Persevere through the adversities.
View Your Spouse as God’s Gift to You
It is human to forget how much your spouse means to you. Make it a routine to give thanks for your spouse even when you do not feel like it. Take a moment every day to reflect on the value your partner adds to your life. Recap all those moments you were vulnerable or lonely and your spouse was by your side.
Do not be too quick to insist on your own way. Wisdom depicts that you be swift to listen and slow to speak. Bite your tongue before you backlash at your spouse. Only say supportive and constructive things. The Bible talks about this in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Keep Peers of Good Character
Mediocre friends will give you mediocre advice. You gradually become five of the people you spend most of the time with. To mature as a person and grow as a partner, keep peers that motivate you to be better.
If you are a controlling spouse, it is time to put a pedal on your actions. If your spouse says ‘no’ to you, respectfully accept it. Respect their freedom and reduce the attacks, verbal or otherwise, on your partner. This goes hand in hand with self-control.
Also, ask for a correction from your spouse when you cross their boundaries. Henry Cloud and John Townsend in the book “Boundaries in Marriage” share ideas that will guide you on which boundaries to respect in marriage.
Express How You Feel
On top of considering the feelings of your spouse, you must know how to express yours as well. Express your frustrations and adversities in a calm and respectful manner. Refrain from disrespecting your partner just because you do not know how to communicate your feelings and needs. Besides, it will just add fuel to the fire and create further animosity.
- Find Common Goals
Finding common goals with your spouse is a known method that saves marriages from divorce. Most definitely, this will require some compromise. Such goals will also require hard work from both of you. Nonetheless, common goals will necessitate working together as a team which will strengthen your relationship bond.
Random Acts of Kindness
Remember at this point, your spouse already has a negative perception towards you. If you sit back and do nothing, it will reconfirm to them that they were right about you. Change that perception by performing acts of kindness that will make them fonder of you.
Going Forward, Make Your Marriage a Priority
What happens when you take an oxygen mask of someone who cannot breathe on their own? Your guess is as good as mine, they die. Marriage too requires constant precedence to keep it alive. For it to grow and thrive, stop focusing on the things you are not getting from your spouse.
Break the cycle of hurt by appreciating the ones he/she is doing for you. Michele Weiner Davis in her book “The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage,” share ideas and tips about the importance of prioritizing your marriage.
Accept their Help
Let your spouse feel you need him/her. Whenever your spouse offers to help with tasks, let him/her do it for you. It will give them a great level of satisfaction. Additionally, remember to sincerely thank them for helping out.
Communication is not all about what you are saying, it also includes how you say it. The tone you use should complement the words you use. Add a gentle tone to your communication going forward and spice it up with respectful words such as ‘Please,’ ‘Sorry,’ and ‘Thank You.’
Address Your Reality
Objectively describe to your spouse your triggers in the relationship. Let your partner in on how your emotional system works. Explain it to them in a way that does not require their response but in a way that they will understand. They will most certainly consider their actions before they trigger your negative emotions.
Apologizing for your mistakes means you are strong enough to acknowledge your faults. Human brains are structured to overlook personal faults as a way of protecting your self-regard. However, this protection instrument can work against you and create dents in your marriage. Take responsibility for your actions.Janeen Diamond in “How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life” stresses on the power of an apology.
Use the Right Tactics
If you had been previously using the wrong tactics to get your way, it’s time for a change. Attempts such as withholding affection and love from your partner work against you rather than for you. Instead, set a good example, acquire good listening skills and show your partner your progress to change with actions. Be the emotional leader in your marriage.
Sharing passwords does not mean that your spouse will keep tabs on you. Such an act will give them the confidence to think that you are not hiding things from him/her. Infidelity blooms on secrecy.
Therefore, maintaining transparency about all your online and offline interactions will win his/her trust. The Grihastha Vision Team (GVT) and Praharana Devi Dasi will concur with this viewpoint in the book: “Heart and Soul Connection: A Devotional Guide to Marriage, Service, and Love”
Create Specific Time to Address Issues
Do not feel the urge to bombard your spouse with questions at your discretion. They will feel under attack. Instead, appoint a time to discuss issues and let your partner know beforehand. Setting up a time and place will prepare your spouse on what to expect.
Notice Improvements in Your Partner
Look for a good or positive thing to notice in your partner, and let them know about it. It makes your spouse feel noticed. He/she will see that you are not absorbed in your routine that you miss out on changes in their life.
Ask for Their Opinion
Your partner will definitely feel useful if their opinion matters. Ask them for their thoughts regarding a certain matter and give them your undivided attention when listening. It will make them feel significant and heard.
Take the Initiative
While it takes two people to make a marriage, it only requires one to save it. Inject energy into your relationship. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Admit where you are wrong without expecting your spouse to accept his/her mistakes.Do right by your spouse. Most noteworthy, do not go to bed angry at your spouse, resolve your conflicts before going to sleep.
Put down Your Phone
Avoid the temptation to look at your phone when you are having a conversation with your spouse.This also includes when spending time with your spouse. It is not only impolite, but it also makes them feel that they are not the first priority.
If you have tried every effort in the books, but your marriage is still rocky. Try counseling. Attach yourself to the right marriage counselor who will identify with your issues as a couple.Unresolved issues in your marriage can be settled during counseling sessions.
Whatever you do, please do not choose divorce as the permanent solution to solve marital issues that come and go.