His Secret Obsession, written by James Bauer, teaches women how to form and maintain lasting relationships with men. The book contains lessons to help women who are struggling to keep men interested in relationships.
Apparently, every man has what Bauer calls the ‘hero instinct’. He defines it as the bridge that connects the desires of a man and woman in a relationship. Once a woman understands the ‘hero instinct’ she will be able to cross the bridge.
How to understand his Obsession
Men have secret obsessions with people who meet their needs. However, triggering the ‘hero instinct’ in a man isn’t easy. The man must first be overwhelmingly desirous of having you. If not, there is no way you can trigger that secret obsession in him.
That doesn’t happen all at once but as you keep interacting over time it will occur. Learning to bring out the ‘hero instinct’ is much like flirting, an art form that requires practice.
Bauer has developed learning modules to help women know how to develop this special relationship skill in his book His Secret Obsession.
How does this bridging work? A man has a secret obsession to be in a relationship with someone who allows him to express his ‘hero instinct.’ That’s why men tend to thrive in certain kinds of relationships.
Women are mostly after the bonding, connection, and emotional intimacy. They have an urgent need to be the center of attention and be shown that they matter. Men are often unaware of this, they hardly make the woman the center of the relationship. Instead, they treat her as an accessory, side benefit or hobby. This is not good for any relationship.
What Is The Hero Instinct?
It is the part of a man that attracts him into a relationship that brings out the hero in him. For most men, it is the desire for purpose and meaning. Men are by nature, very competitive. They rarely rest before they are established in a certain field and feel successful. A romantic relationship has to meet the need for fulfillment for the man to pour himself into it. Not only will it be a beautiful relationship for him, but also for you.
A man cannot be fulfilled in a relationship if his ‘hero instinct’ is pulling him in another direction. Bauer tells the story of Rachel, a client of his who used a simple text message to make her man bring out his secret obsession. All she did was make Mike feel needed by texting: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long”. But that may not work for everyone.
First, the woman needs to understand her man’s ‘hero instinct’ by finding out how he experiences life itself. Partly, the ‘hero instinct’ is driven by the desire to make meaning out of life.
A man’s desire is to attain his fullest potential so he sets out to use his strength, prove his worth, and live an adventurous life. To him, a journey full of heroic deeds is a catharsis of some sort.
How To Bring Out A Man’s ‘Hero Instinct’
To illustrate the concept of the ‘hero instinct’, Bauer uses the example of the movie ‘Saving Private Ryan’. In the movie, the central character strives to live a meaningful life. From that example, a man would stay with a woman who can push to attain his ultimate purpose.
The woman also needs to share her needs and accept the man’s provision. To cap it all, a man stays with a respectful woman, given that respect is his secret obsession. That’s how you engage a man’s ‘hero instinct’ without being perfect. Put in the minimal effort and you will realize enormous results.
A man should feel needed and successful in the relationship. That way he will have a better sense of worth and bring out his secret obsession. How does your man feel in your presence? He needs to be at home with that version of himself. The best thing you can do is reassure him that committing to the relationship will not derail his dreams.
According to Bauer, the relationship need is one that enhances the happiness of each partner. Thus, to bridge his ‘hero instinct’, you should make your mutual happiness part of his life’s mission.
How Does Your Belief Affect Your Relationship?
Did you know that the beliefs inherited from society influence the possibility of having a happy relationship? For example, a woman’s beliefs about men influence the experience they have with the opposite sex.
So don’t allow society’s negative beliefs about men to negatively affect your relationships. If you do, you could end up having a negative self-fulfilling prophecy. You will feel less discouraged, see opportunities everywhere, work towards your success.
The key is to embrace a future full of possibilities and actively work towards happiness. But you have to do so while being grounded in the present moment.
The Role of Propinquity in Relationships
According to Bauer, any man can fall in love with you. Left alone on an island, there is no way he will be able to resist your feminine features. But why don’t they seem to fall in love when you need them to?
Bauer suggests that men are distracted by other pursuits so he is not fascinated enough for his attention to be captured. Every time a man is fascinated by anything, his drive to be, do, and accomplish something is awakened.
Thus, a woman who aligns herself with a man’s basic drive is able to bring out his secret obsession 24/7. She has the power to pull the man towards her so he cannot resist his secret obsession being triggered. Propinquity according to Bauer refers to frequent interactions between two people. Relationships occur when there is propinquity which also influences who gets paired in marriage.
The propinquity of itself, however, is not enough. One also has to find the core of a man’s basic desires in order to fascinate him. The woman must also empower the man with a sense of purpose and the knowledge that he can attain it. A man with a well-defined sense of purpose feels alive, his ‘hero instinct comes into play. It is only then that the man will be fascinated enough to commit to a lasting relationship.
What Phase Is Your Man In?
Between adolescence and the mid-’20s, a man is in what Bauer calls the ‘Knight’ phase. In this phase,g he is fun-loving but not ready to settle down. He craves the freedom to pursue adventures and new life experiences.
The next is the ‘prince’ phase where a man focuses on making his mark on the world. He wants to build something to prove his worth. The prince phase lasts from the late ’20s to the mid- 30’s. This phase can go on for 10 to 25 years based on the number of times he has changed jobs. It is during this time that a man usually experiences a mid-life crisis.
The final phase is the ‘king’ phase, where the man has something to stand for; his sense of identity is well defined. His focus is on leaving a legacy as well as enjoying the fruits of his labor. The man thrives on being appreciated for his ability to provide. He sees his woman a queen and allows her to share in his glory. A woman needs to understand the phase her man is in so she can bring out the best in him.
Men get bored even in great relationships. In the end, many may seek out the thrill of extra-marital affairs. As a woman, it is your duty to become his secret obsession. Never become complacent or resign yourself to fate. Embrace the beauty of ‘forward momentum’ in the relationship. Encourage your man in his pursuit of personal growth.
These steps will allow you to have an energetic and happy man who is more engaged in the relationship. Clearly, ‘His Secret Obsession” is worth reading for women looking to turn their relationship around. Get the book and learn things you did not know about your man, your relationship will thank you.