If you’re feeling like your marriage is in trouble, it’s time to fix intimacy problems.
Even if you’ve been married for many years, you may reach the point where you have nothing left to say to each other.
From breakfast at the kitchen table to the bedroom at night, there is complete silence.
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You may open your mouth to say something, but the palpable distance between the two of you makes you quiet again.
The foundation of a solid, happy marriage is intimacy. Without it, you’re just two strangers living under the same roof.
If you feel like your marriage lacks intimacy, you need to start off by identifying what the problem is and then work towards solving it as a team.
1. Communicate is key in fixing Intimacy Problems
Every marriage, or in fact, every relationship is built through clear and open communication. With different daily schedules, you may have grown apart from your spouse to the extent that you might never see them anymore.
You may have spent hours on the phone before you were married, but you can barely give each other a smile as you exit the house for work. The most you may have said to each other in the bedroom is “don’t hog the duvet”.
The more time you spend in this somewhat stiff silence, the more distant you become. This distance can make your relationship toxic and you might even start wondering why you even got married in the first place.
Just remember, it’s never too late to fix these intimacy problems. Even if it takes a little effort initially, take the time out to reconnect.
Talk to each other, even if it’s as simple as a “how was your day?” or if you have kids, then talk about their progress at school or soccer practice.
Share a joke, laugh with them, tell them about your aspirations, ask them about theirs. Revive the time when conversing with each other was enjoyable and not a chore.
If there are any problems, talk them out. Don’t use the silent treatment as a way of fixing your problems because it’ll only increase the rift between the two of you.
2. Enjoy Each Other’s Company
If you’ve become one of those couples that spend their days at work and their nights silently doing different things, there’s a problem. If you managed to reach the point where you decided to spend the rest of your lives with each other, you must have done something that you enjoyed together.
There’s no such thing as too much work. If you really love your spouse, you can take out the time to enjoy each other’s company. Watch a film, have a fancy dinner, go for a mini-vacation over the weekend.
You don’t even have to be extravagant about it- you can even stay in and share a meal and some good conversation or go to the beach and soak up some sun. Whatever you do, remember that the aim is to have a good time with your spouse.
If you have children, be careful that you’re still taking the time out for just the two of you. It’s great to have family outings and vacations, but reserve some special “we time” for yourselves.
3. A Single Touch Goes a Long Way
This isn’t just about getting physical in the bedroom. A loving touch from your significant other can go a long way in helping you reconnect.
A reassuring hand on the shoulder, a quick kiss on the cheek, a stroke of the arm can be helpful in fixing intimacy problems. You might have fallen in love after your first kiss, or a gentle handshake. Try and go back to that time when you felt really connected to your spouse.
4. Don’t Be Afraid of Physical Intimacy
If you’ve grown really far apart in your marriage, you may even have reached the point where you’re afraid to reconnect. When you don’t have the room for emotional intimacy, often the option of physical intimacy also takes a backseat.
One or both of you might not be in the mood or you feel like you just don’t have the time. Sex can often open up the doors for you to fix your intimacy problems. You can try one of the two tactics:
A. Schedule time for the two of you to spend together– This might sound like the most unromantic option possible, but when you’re adults living in the real world, not everything happens the way it does in fairytales and romantic movies. Find a time when you are both free and try and get physically intimate.
It might be awkward at first, even a little uncomfortable but allow yourself to relax. This is the person you fell in love with. Even if you’re going through a rough patch right now, it doesn’t discount the fact that you once cherished each other’s company.
B. Surprise your partner– A text message at work or even a quick phone call to remind your spouse of how much you love them. A surprise dinner date to get into the mood and feel good around each other again.
Just remember, the smallest gesture can show your spouse that you still care about them and that they’re a top priority for you and really help you fix intimacy problems.
If you’re not communicating with your spouse, chances are you’re talking to someone else. Whether it’s going out to family gatherings or any other activities, your partner is probably not with you during these activities. If you’re feeling down or just need someone you to talk to, you’re more likely turning to a friend or a colleague or someone.
Remember, your spouse is not just there for the sake of sharing a house and maybe children and a surname. They’re there as an emotional support, a source of comfort and someone who you’re sharing your life with, not just your assets.
Start spending more time together. If your distance is because of disagreements or arguments you may have had in the past, clear the air. Resolve any issues that seem to have stopped communication between the two of you.
Go to a friend’s engagement party together, join your spouse on their daily morning run. Whether it’s an event or a daily routine task, include your spouse. Even if you’re busy during the day, you can communicate through your phones. Reconnect at night. The key here is to stay in touch to fix intimacy problems.
6. Make Plans Together
When you’re struggling in your marriage, the future might seem bleak. Sometimes, the problems might be so intense that you’re not really sure if you can stay together or not. This is where the concept of planning together comes in. Whether you’re planning a vacation together, or buying a house or even a career path, all these are decisions you want to include your partner in.
Even if it’s something as simple as planning what you’re going to do the next day, keep your significant other in the loop. See if you can squeeze in a 20-minute coffee break together or a night out at your favorite Chinese restaurant for some dumplings and Chow mein. Whether it’s a grocery run or a trip to Hawaii, your spouse should be a part of your plans, whether they’re for the next few hours or the next few years.
Every marriage is different and every couple has different ways to fix intimacy problems. Whether your struggle is with physical or emotional intimacy or both, if both of you are committed to fixing your relationship, you’ll figure out a system that works for you.
If you feel like your problems have escalated to the point where you can’t resolve them on your own, it might be time to seek professional help. You may opt to see a marriage counselor to help you fix intimacy problems.
Or you might opt to join a support group to find out how other couples in similar situations are finding ways to overcome their intimacy issues.
Either way, you know what’s best for your marriage, and if there’s still even a little bit of love left between the two of you, you’ll figure out a way to feel happy together again.