Jealousy in relationships is one of the biggest challenges that couples have to deal with. Jealousy is inevitable and to some extent be a good sign of love, however, can dangerously go awry.
Fear of loss is what lies at the root of jealousy; there is fear of loss of the relationship and respect in general. Fear is the key generator for feelings of insecurity. It is in human nature to feel jealous every now and then. Nonetheless, various theories have developed with many focusing on various forms of jealousy.
Jealousy level can become destructive also referred to as a pathological form of jealousy which it’s a huge threat to your relationship.
1. Get to the Core of the Insecurity Behind the jealousy
The first way to overcome any jealousy that may be plaguing your relationship is by getting to the bottom of the insecurity behind the jealousy. Feelings of insecurity and possessiveness breed jealousy and it’s only you who can identify what has driven you to this. Past experiences shape our way of behavior and how we think and expect situations to an outcome.
Dealing with our past is a foremost step to help us shift our negative thinking. If it’s an experience that really affected you, it’s time to make a closure by forgiving those who may have wronged you, forgiving yourself, express your pain, focus on the present as you make the decision to let go. It is also very crucial to do away with the victim mentality of blaming others and being the constant victim.
2. Steer clear of situations that are prone to stimulate false doubts
As you are working on yourself by figuring out the main cause of your insecurity, there is no need of creating more undesirable situation initiated by jealousy. When you are jealousy, stalking your partner becomes your hobby; through his/her phone, social media handles, at his/her work- place, to even their circle of friends.
According to Paul Hauck the author of Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness, he demonstrates how jealousy is a learned emotion and can be unlearned once you understand why you are jealous and start to think in new ways about yourself and others. Just like an addiction, it needs an inner willpower to overcome creation of a vicious cycle of increased scrutinizing and jealousy in your relationship.
3. Work on yourself
There is nothing more attractive than confidence in a relationship. Confidence is not just about walking with a straight posture or dressing up remarkably on a date; it has to do with believing in yourself that you are desirable enough to be loved and having a spouse or will not change how you see yourself.
Work on building yourself all-round; whether is advancing your education, career, talent, physical appearance, relations outside your dating life and by this, you will always feel better about yourself every day. Author Maddy Malhotra in his Book, How to Build Self-Esteem and Be Confident: Overcome Fears, Break Habits, Be Successful and Happy, quotes ‘We never quite seem to achieve what we desperately seek and can’t seem to keep hold of it when we do. It’s because we simply sabotage our own efforts with limiting beliefs about our own capabilities and our worth.’
4. Stop being Rigid
It is easy to make yourself so hard to love when you think of it and put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Having a strong personality or being more principled it is not a situation that is engraved in your human nature.Relationships are all about compromising and there is no way you will ever get a partner who is exactly like you.
People are different and your spouse can be more outgoing than you, or even more popular.Try and engage in his activities and this will help you understand how they act is completely harmless. Doing as he/she does like perhaps talking to people of the opposite gender will help you realize that it’s just normal.
5. Communication is Key
It is important to talk with your partner when experiencing jealousy. However, how you approach him or her is very crucial. There will be no solution if you throw accusations by expressing anger or sarcasm. Learn how you can approach your partner directly with no hostility.
Explaining your feelings to your partner will leave you more satisfied and hinder any confusion brought about by jealous behavior. A partner who respects you enough will try avoiding the situation or making you feel comfortable whenever it takes place.
6. Give each other some healthy space
Keep your partner from feeling imprisoned by loosening the leash between you two. Allow your partner to spend the weekend with his or her friends and instead of drawing you apart, you will become more pleasant to him/her. Always hanging around your partner will only build a yearning to flee from your possessiveness.
Keep on doing your thing and surely your partner will be the one wondering what you are up to in his/her absence. Give them freedom at the same time do not allow to be walked on all over. If you are out together and he/she bumps into an attractive friend, let them chat on. A short circuit to ‘trying to make you jealous moves’ is relaxing about it.
7. Work on your paranoia
Overcoming jealousy in a relationship needs a lot of extra work on our thoughts. Jealousy is a psychological problem obsessed by the negative use of imagination. In Overcoming Paranoid and Suspicious Thoughts, a book by Daniel Freeman, states; even when our situation does not change, if we change the self-defeating ways we think, we can make ourselves feel better.
Do not just become positive about the relationship, but everything else around you. Regain control of the jealousy by stop being emotional for something you have imagined. Despite the situation, the main reason for this, it’s for your own peace of mind.
8. Don’t Play Games
Overcoming jealousy is not as simple as it seems. It is an excruciating uncomfortable situation where you do not want to share how you feel even your closest friend as you may look needy or fragile. You find subconsciously try to make yourself feel better by trying to make your spouse jealous.
This can be by talking about past relationships, flirting with other people in his/her presence, seem fond of someone from the office or anything that you may think will make your partner jealous. Doing this will be striking the last match on your relationship.
Demeaning yourself is not a sure way of feeling better about you. You can always make a genuine compliment without using it as relationship ammunition. If there is infidelity involved, doing the same will not help keep your dignity long-term but will ignite the blame-game as your relationship falls apart.
9. Stop with the Comparison Act
Well, this one is easier said than done. It is in human nature to be competitive with each other and everyone desires to be better than rest. When your relationship is on a rocky patch, all you see are happier couples to a point of envying singles. It is hard to accept a mistake whilst in a relationship and many issues go unresolved.
Your friend’s marriages or relationship will start to appear functioning and you will believe that their spouse is actually better. Always keep in mind not everything appears as it seems. Remember the good qualities that you liked about your partner when you first met and what has made you compatible for that time that you have dated.
Once you mention to your spouse why he/she should be like someone else, you are making a point that he/she will never be enough for you. Overcome jealousy in the relationship by solving matters in your own unique way since everyone is matchless in their own way.
10. Be prepared to lose them
I know! This is an awful thought but a reality check that life has offered us. Jealousy is not necessarily brought about by low self-esteem; there are people with very high-esteem and take other people as material property by having a narcissistic trend of behavior.
People are unaware that to love someone as it should be, we need to be ready to lose them. Love is driven out by fear, anger and jealousy and all it needs it’s a strong dash of boldness to thrive. Fear of losing your partner to someone else can make you feel terrible about yourself. Imagine the worst occurring and being okay by not just surviving but blossoming regardless of the situation.
Always remember ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Sometimes people hold on to dying relationships because of insecurities; learn to deal with your insecurities so that you don’t have to flog a dead horse.
11. Evaluate your relationship
Anuptaphobia is defined as the fear of being or staying single. Many people have it but will not admit, all you will see is them jumping from one relationship to another. They lack time for self-analyzing and clearly do not know what they really want as long as they are not single.
Due to lack of having time alone, they experience numerous disappointments enhancing low self-esteem and increasing levels of insecurity in them. Evaluate your relationship whether it’s built on respect, trust and love. Confirm if your partner is honest with you and whether their behavior reflects on what they say.
Try to know what your relationship is based on; is it a social status, pleasing parents & friends, job security, fear of loneliness, procreation needs with no actual compatibility between the two of you. It is only you who would know whether you are ready to work on it or not.
12. Scrutinize Yourself
Nobody likes to be criticized and a lot of people do not take it well. We all have that defensive mode that we create when anyone tries to scrutinize us. There is nothing as beneficial to you as being able to reevaluate yourself and thinking outside yourself. Think of the positives and the negatives about yourself and what you bring to the table in any circumstances.
Have questions like; am I bigot? Am I unapproachable? Am I easy to be around? Do I dislike anyone who makes me feel inferior? Remember to also think of the positives such as; do I give people a lot of chances than they deserve? Do I seek approval by doing more than it’s asked for? Do I sacrifice a lot of ‘me-time’ to spend time with anyone who asks? Do I have to work hard for love? Assessing yourself will definitely help you curb on actions and reactions when it comes to jealousy.
13. The benefit of doubt
Yes, it may sound clichéd, but how about you believe your partner? Take them at their word and always remember if your partner is lying, they are making a fool out of themselves not anyone else.
A relationship cannot work without trust. In the book The Courage to Trust; by Cynthia Lynn Wall, says, an inability to trust wisely can lead us to loneliness and isolation or worse. However, the ability to trust is both a choice and a skill anyone can develop.
Find the strength to begin acting as if you believe your partner especially if they have already proofed you wrong. Learn to embrace happiness and loyalty as a way to overcome jealousy in your relationship.
14. Learn how to handle competition
It’s hard to accept that there will always be better-looking people out there and understand attractive people are approached for dating all the time. Dealing with jealousy in a relationship you will have to accept what you cannot change and walk around it.
Conquering this you must be able to beat others who might be in competition for her/his love without seeming desperate or needy. By not revealing your ‘green-eyed monster’ as Shakespeare referred to jealousy, you will get to learn much about your partner.
Your partner might subtly hint who is chasing him/her and your reaction will establish what will be communicated in the future. Encourage openness in your relationship by being unproblematic and easy to talk to as it portrays confidence and trust.
15. Learn to treat people as individuals
Another way of overcoming jealousy in your relationship is learning to treat people as individuals by stop grouping them into stereotypes that you are familiar with. ‘Give credit where credit is due’; if your partner has been sincere, generous, kind, faithful to you, always keep that in mind whether he/she is French, rich, stunning, more social or any other trait that you are not.
You see what you want to see in a person and how you feel about someone does not define a person’s character. Learn to see the good side of a person because initially, those are the things that had you have a relationship with him or her.
The main key to any functioning relationship is communication. A healthy communication with your spouse hinders any future confrontations or hidden grudges. Concentrate on advancing your communication skills with your partner to overcome jealousy in your relationship. Healthy communication generates trust and there can be no love without trust!
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