Marriage problems arise and you might find yourself hurting. Perhaps your spouse has neglected, rejected, and emotionally abused you. David Clarke, in his book, I Don’t Want a Divorce: A 90-Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage suggests that spouses can be abusive to each other.
You might still be in the place of struggling to get over the past. If you are having trouble in your marriage, chances are that you need to put the hurt behind you. But just how do you go about this? How do you make your marriage work? Can you really get over the past?
As you try to get over a hurtful past in your marriage, you first need to realize that you cannot really change the past! That thing about a time machine taking you back in time to fix a problem is all fiction. You can’t change the past, but you can change its meaning. In reality, it’s the events following bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. As such, you are in control of your future and ultimately in control of the way your past affects you too.
In reality, it’s the events following bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times. As such, you are in control of your future and ultimately in control of the way your past affects you too.
As Michelle Weiner-Davis suggests in her book, The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for saving your Marriage, developing certain skills such as understanding and patience can help you deal with a bad past in your marriage.
So, exactly what do you do to get over hurtful events in your marriage? 15 Proven Ways to Overcome Problems In A Marriage can be of great help:
Avoid talking about your problems
Constantly talking about your marriage problems don’t resolve them; it, instead, makes them worse. If you want to have constant arguments with your spouse, then try reminding each other of the problems you are going through. It’s your response and your actions now, which determine the meaning of past hurtful events in your marriage.
Even so, you will never talk yourself out of a problem you created yourselves. Although you may not be aware of it, your marriage will only change if both of you change. If you want to make your marriage better, say little and do much. Learn to speak in the vocabulary of your actions and not words.
Make new and right choices and your marriage shall be fixed. David Clarke in his book, I Don’t Want a Divorce: A 90-Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage says that recognizing that there is a problem in your marriage and working together with your spouse to fix it is what will get you far in fixing what’s wrong.
Ask yourself the right questions
After you have been married for some time, you might start to wonder if you got married to the right person. The questions as to whether your partner is the right one or not isn’t what should concern you, in the first instance.
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person but learning to love the one you found. There’s no mystery in love. There is no luck in it. Rather, love is a matter of choice! Knowing that the outcome of your marriage ultimately depends on your behavior can go a long way in improving your relationship.
It’s a two-way street
Fixing a problematic marriage is not a one-man’s show. It takes the efforts of both partners to fix problems in the marriage. The lifeblood of any successful marriage is communication. To fix problems in your marriage, work to build more open communication with your spouse.
You could have fallen apart for a while now, but try and open up to your spouse. Even if you are living apart, take a few steps to reach your spouse. Try to call him or her to find out if he or she is still willing to talk to you.
Meet up in a neutral and convenient environment where you can talk. Discuss the issues in your marriage without resorting to bitter or harsh words. Also, listen twice as much as you talk and you will have a marriage that was on rocks restored.
To solve your marriage problems, learn to focus on yourself instead of always blaming your spouse. Take time to examine yourself and how you have contributed to the problem at hand. After all, you are not perfect! Just like everyone else, you have your faults and imperfections.
If your romance has ended, focus on the specific reason why this is so. Determine the specific things about your relationship that give you lots of pleasure as well as those that leave you unsatisfied and unhappy. Carefully weighing and considering all these things can help you know if your marriage is worth the efforts to fix it.
Basically, your marriage is as good as what you do. The strength of your marriage depends on how you and your spouse spend your time. Avoid spending time apart from your spouse. Forget about the old saying that seemed to suggest that absence makes the heart grow fonder. That may have worked then. In marriage, particularly in a broken one that needs to be fixed, absence from each other separates spouses. It creates distance which ultimately is not good for your relationship. In marriage, you need to work towards closeness and not separation. Spending time with your partner will leave you feeling connected.
Although it might not be apparent, painful events in your marriage are only but the birth pangs to a new and improved relationship. Recall the time when you used to visit each other in the workplace. When was the last time you met each other’s friends and family? When did you stop solving each other’s problems? Do you ask for your spouse’s opinions, anymore? Do you still care about each other’s interests? According to Michelle Weiner Davis, happiness is a do-it-yourself job.
Ultimately, it’s these small everyday things that are the key to a great relationship. Although you may not find this interesting, getting involved and inter-dependent is the primary ingredient for fixing a marriage on the brink of a breakage.
Change starts with you
When you set out to fix your marriage crisis, you are bound to encounter resistance from your spouse. This is normal. When your spouse feels emotionally checked out of the marriage, he or she won’t seem to care about your efforts to improve the situation, forget about extending any effort of their own.
There is nothing as hard as forcing your spouse to change their attitude concerning the problem you are both facing. Andrew G. Marshall, in his book I Love you, but I’m Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship, says that it takes the efforts of a willing spouse to save a dying relationship. After all, an imposed change will only yield zero results.
So, start by changing the way you look at the problem and fix any issues from your side that might have led to the problem. As for your spouse, wait till they initiate change on their own side. Within no time, you will have a working marriage you can all be proud of. Although you might not know it, the people who have worked to revive their marriages have done it without their spouses.
Give, give, and give
Do you know of any gift you could give your spouse to make them glow and look at you with lots of appreciation? What’s that one gift that would tickle your spouse’s soul towards you? Just what gift do you think would communicate to your spouse just how much you still care about them?
Take time to think of the perfect gift for your spouse. Once you know exactly what to buy, make it a habit to get your spouse a gift from time-to-time. If you can do this often, your marriage will grow stronger and stronger.
Talk, touch, and be intimate
There are many marriages on the rocks. As such, everyone in such marriages wants to work towards renewing their unions. However, very few have a clue on how to go about it. Take action to get things fixed in your troubled marriage. As observed earlier, you just cannot talk yourself out of a situation you got yourself into by your behavior. Only deliberate actions can get you out of your problems. Like many failed marriages, yours will eventually succeed when one of you consistently does small things in big ways.
Get into the habit of talking, touching, and being intimate with one another so as to grow closer together. For a healthy marriage relationship, physical contact is very vital. At the very least, give your spouse a meaningful hug and kiss on a daily basis. This is not the same as that barely-brushing-your-cheek on your way out of the house. If it’s kissing, kiss. Remember, sexual intimacy is real cement to a broken relationship. You might not feel like doing it, at first. Make a deliberate effort to be open to intimate encounters as many times as possible.
Communicate your needs with each other
Like most couples, don’t just assume that your partner does not care about your needs and wants. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, for Pete’s sake! They cannot know what it is you are thinking about. Make a habit of letting your spouse know what’s on your mind and your desire concerning the way your marriage is going.
Spend quality time together
Many marriage issues arise when married couples fail to spend quality time together. If you are looking to fix the bugs in your marriage and be happy again, always spend some good time with your spouse.
What are your common interests? Finding something you both love doing and ensuring you talk to each other while at it is a sure marriage saver. Whatever you do, let the bad times in your marriage awaken you to search for ways to spend quality time together.
Cultivate new interests
You are bound to experience troubles in your marriage when both of you become preoccupied with your own selves and forget about your spouse’s feelings. Do the right thing by developing an interest in what your spouse does.
Learn to ask after your spouse’s needs and be supportive, no matter how you are feeling. Your past can only mean as much as your actions today.
You might not know it, but the people with the best marriages are those who went through hell and came out to do something about it. The painful events of your marriage should inspire you to develop a new interest in building a great relationship.
Prioritize your marriage
If you have been having problems in your marriage, is it because you have neglected to make it a priority? Learn to sit down with your spouse and share your desire to spend more time with them. Make a review of your calendar and decide to use your time effectively. Can you, for instance, minimize your errands so you can be at home for a bit longer?
How about setting aside a day when you avoid watching TV and using the phone or computer so as you spend more time together? If you are going out for some volunteer activities, take your spouse along. However, ensure you leave behind the kids when out on a trip. Do this once or twice a month and you will reconnect with your spouse and get your marriage back on track.
Remember your vows
Do you remember the vow you made to each other the first time you were together? You might want to sit down, write your marriage vows and reflect on them. Getting into a habit of doing this will give you the clues on what to do to rescue and fix your marriage. Did you, for instance, vow to always love and honor your partner?
Are you still doing what you swore to do? Looking at your current situation, what reasons do you have for no longer trusting and honoring your partner? Can you think of anything you can do to start trusting your partner again? Make sure you do everything to recommit to the vows you made at the start of your relationship.
Take a good look at yourself
Although you may not know it, you could have done something that harmed your relationship. Could it be that you have stopped treating your partner as if he or she were the most important person in your life? Whatever you might have done, there’s still an opportunity to make amends and get your marriage up and running again.
You can start by taking a very good look at yourself and work to take a self-inventory. Corry Spring in her book, Marriage: How to Save Your Marriage and Rebuild Connection, Intimacy, and Trust by Understanding it Better, suggests that lack of diagnosis of the problems in your marriage is what brings difficulty fixing difficult situations. Try to figure out what you need to do to make things better in your marriage.
If you really want to fix your marriage, go back to the days you treated your partner as if he or she were the most beautiful thing in your life. You might be astonished that your actions and a new character are just all you need to have a good marriage.
Have a mental picture of the marriage you want
Relax and take a mental picture of what you want your marriage to be. Visualize the qualities you wish to see manifested in your marriage or relationship. Ensure you cultivate in yourself what you can do to create the desired qualities so as to fix your marriage problems.
No matter how bad it looks, all might not be lost for your relationship! In his book, one more Try: What to Do When Your Marriage is Falling Apart, Gary Chapman suggests that separation doesn’t necessarily mean that divorce is imminent. No matter how broken your relationship looks, there is still hope! That you can make it work again. So take heart and work to restore what you had with your spouse.